1 DOG: 2 >>>>>
Any pet owners? I love my dog but he’s causing some problems at home.
The problem is, he’s so horny he doesn’t just lick his own balls. My grandfather came to visit last month and now he won’t leave…
It’s making it really hard to train my dog, I keep saying, Bad Dog and he says Good Booy.
He’s like (Voice)
“I should have got a dog years ago, Grand Ma makes a great Pot Roast but… fuck that"
I know they say a dog, is a mans best friend, but I had no idea”
And he keeps buying Peanut butter?!
Best Friend, My Ass? Just ask them to help you move. Poof * Gone * Even took his leash.
2 RELATIONSHIPS: 3 >>>>>
My last girlfriend was an angry person, she got pissed at me for being nice. She said all men are assholes and I was fucking up the bell curve.
We broke up because she needed to be right, so I needed to be an asshole. It was a lose/lose situation but the universe made sense to her again so, yay!?
3 EGG PLANT: 4 >>>>>
So what’s with eggplants?
Who’s names these things. Well, you got it half right. You get a participation trophy.
And who thought that was a good thing to eat. Look, I get it, you melt cheese on it and fry it in butter and garlic, it’s edible. But so is my underwear.
Ladies, Woman’s intuition. It that really a thing? Because if it was, why wouldn’t you use it all the time?
Voice: “I have very good intuition, it’s just sometimes I like to date assholes.”
It’s like getting a stock tip on Apple 30 years ago and deciding to invest in 8 tracks...
TAG -> Segue: Technology
8 tracks were things you played music on, they came before cassettes, which begat cds, which begat dvd, which begat blue ray, which all came before streaming...
and this was all in the course of about 6 weeks…
There are a lot of broke investors crying, "Please for the love of God, stop Inventing things, So I can stop losing all my money!!!”
Have you ever had anyone tell you to eat shit & die? I have and, no thank you. I appreciate the offer but I already ate it once, that’s how it became shit.
And I don’t know why we have such a problem with shit, we didn’t seem to have any problem putting it in our mouths the first time. Absolutely no problem creating it.
There is nothing in your shit that hasn’t already been in your mouth.
And I didn’t kill you the first time so I’m not sure what they’re getting at, telling you to put it in again. It just seems redundant more than insulting.
And the die part. Once again, they seem to forget where shit came from, apparently shit doesn’t kill anyone, Or how would we get shit?
That’s all she wrote.
You ever wonder why it’s she… It’s never “It’s all HE wrote”… It actually makes a lot of sense
talking on phone:
I came home expecting my dinner, my foot massage, my blow job, and my beer...
And all I found was this note.
What’s it say? Fuck you
No, you idiot, that’s what the note says… “Fuck you”?
Yeah, fuck you
No, that's it
Yeah, I'm sure,
that’s all she wrote…
and we’re out of beer?