DOG:
Any pet owners?  I love my dog but he’s causing some problems at home.
The problem is, he’s so horny he doesn’t just lick his own balls.
My grandfather came to visit last month and he won’t leave… 

It’s making it really hard to train my dog, 
I keep saying, Bad Dog and he says Good Booy.  He’s like “I should have got a dog years ago”
Grand Ma makes a great Pot Roast but… No contest”  I know how they say a dog is a mans best friend, but I had no idea” 

Best Friend?
yeah, that’s until you ask them to help you move.
Poof * Gone * Even took his leash.

RELATIONSHIPS: My last girlfriend was an angry person,
She would get pissed at me 
	for being nice. 
She said all men are assholes 
	and I was fucking up the bell curve.

we broke up because she needed to be right, 
	so I needed to be an asshole.
It was a lose/lose 
	but the universe made sense to her again so, yay!

EGG PLANT: So what’s with eggplants? 
Who’s names these things. 
	Well you got it half right. 
		You get a participation trophy. 

And who thought that was a good thing to eat. 

Look, I get it, 
	you melt cheese on it and
		fry it in butter and garlic, 
			it’s edible. 

But so are Birkenstocks.

WOMANS’S INTUITION:
Woman’s intuition.
	It that really a thing?
Because if it was, 
	why wouldn’t you use it all the time.

Voice: “I have very good intuition, it’s just sometimes I like to date assholes.”

It’s like getting a stock tip on Apple 30 years ago 
	and deciding to invest in 8 tracks...

TAG -> Segue: Technology
8 tracks were things you played music on, 
They came before cassettes, 
which begat cds, 
which begat dvd, 
which begat blue ray, 
which all came before streaming...  and this was all in the course of about 6 weeks…

there are a lot of broke investors screaming 

“Stop inventing things, 
	So I can stop losing all my money!!!”

Eat Shit & Die:
Have you ever had anyone tell you to eat shit & die?

First of all, no thank you,
I appreciate the offer 
	but 
	I already ate it once, 
		that’s how it became shit. 

And I don’t know why we have such a problem with shit,

We didn’t seem to have any problem 
	putting it in our mouths the first time.

Absolutely no problem creating it.

There is nothing 
	in your shit 
		that hasn’t already been in your mouth.

And I didn’t kill you the first time 
	so I’m not sure what they’re getting at, 
		telling you put it in again.

It just seems redundant more than insulting.

and the die part.

Once again, 
	they seem to have forgotten where shit came from, 
		apparently shit doesn’t kill anyone 
			Or how would they shit?

That’s all she wrote: 
That’s all she wrote.

You ever wonder why it’s she…
It’s never “It’s all HE wrote”…

It actually makes a lot of sense 

voice:
I came home expecting 
	my dinner, 
		foot massage, 
			blow job 
				and a beer...
And all I found was this note.

What’s it say
Fuck you

HEY, FUCK YOU
No, Idiot, that’s what the note says… “Fuck you”

fuck you
Yeah fuck you

That’s it
Yup

Ya sure…

Yeah dude, 
	that’s all she wrote…
		and we’re out of beer?